Dumb JOTD: Bra & Hat

What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."

GSOTD: Turquoise Jewelry

By CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

Come down from your tree house condominium
And start driving around that station wagon
with the wood on the side
Take off that jumpsuit, you look like Grace Slick
Stayin' up all night & drinkin' that 7-11 coffee
And take off your turquoise jewelry
Shake your medicine rattle
And fill a sock with an herb
Put on your fringe skirt
Come sit down next to your man, he's hankering for some company
Come sit down next to your man and let him cough in your ear
'Cuz you bring me sticks and stones
You bring me everything
Take off your turquoise jewelry
Shake your medicine rattle
'Cuz you bring me sticks and stones
You bring me everything

GSOTD: Good Guys & Bad Guys

By CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

Well there are good guys and there are bad guys
And there are crooks and criminals
There are doctors and there are lawyers
And there are folks like you and me

So let's get high while the radio's on
Just relax and sing a song
Drive your car up on the lawn
Let me play your guitar

Well, this here verse is for the people in Russia
Though it is a long long ways away
They couldn't hear this song in Russia
But couldn't understand the words anyway

So let's get high while the radio's on
Just relax and sing a song
Drive your car up on the lawn
Let me play your guitar

So just be glad you live in America
Just relax and be yourself
Cuz if you didn't live here in America
You'd probably live somewhere else

So let's get high while the radio's on
Just relax and sing a song
Drive your car up on the lawn
Let me play your guitar

JOTD: While the Cat's Away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

ATM: Hard Candy

This movie basically has a cast of two - and it works real well. Great movie about a tough subject. Would make a great play.

For full reviews, check out: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/hard_candy/

JOTD: Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

GSOTD: Jack Ruby

By CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

I remember his hat tilted forward
His glasses are folded in his vest
And he seems like the kind of man who beats his horses
Or the dancers who work at a bar
We saw on the screen his face for a moment
No time to plead or even ask why
Jack Ruby appeared from out of nowhere
Then disappeared in broad daylight
'Cause he's a friend of that cloven-hoofed gangster the devil
He's been seen with the sheriff and the police
Drinking whiskey and water after hours, saying
"Let's do business, boys. The drinks are on me."
So draw the box along quickly
Avert your eyes with shame
Let us stand and speak of the weather
And pretend nothing ever happened on that day
Grant us the luxury, 'cause all our heroes are bastards
Grant us the luxury, 'cause all our heroes are thieves
Of the innocence of the afternoons
Now we think it's a virtue to simply survive
But it feels like this calm it's decaying
It's collapsing under its own weight
And I think its your friend the hangman coming
Choking back a laugh, a drunkard swaggering to your door
Now do you feel that cold, icy presence?
In the morning with coffee and with bread
Do you feel it in the movement of traffic
And days are terrible, simply forget

ATM: The Constant Gardner

I have to stop avoiding movies with stupid fucking titles. This was a very good movie that only caused me to sleep for 10-15 minutes (which my wife filled me in on - thanks). What's next on my list of movies with fucked titles? The Traveling Sisterhood of the Ya Ya Pants - I don't fucking think so, but the Constant Gardner was worth the view.

For a detailed review, go to: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/constant_gardener/

GSOTD: Goleta

By CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

I've been there and I've seen them drinkin' now
Thinkin' all the time that they're going to school
Well, maybe some day they might learn something
But being fascist rich kids just ain't cool

Baby don't ya go, don't ya go into Westwood

I've been there and I've seen the styles they wear
Their haircuts down to their clean white shoes
Don't you know baby, that it's all a facade,ya know
Intelligence is not something you should avoid

Baby don't ya go, don't ya go to La Jolla
I've been there and I've seen their attitude
They don't like folks who are not like them
Maybe someday they'll take a vacation, like some flight over to Europe
to take a nice cruise in the Mediterranean, but it's very likely that
on the way over they'd be hijacked by some terrorist group seeking media
approval, they'd be in a really bad situation, in danger of their lives,
but they'd be thinking "They can't do this to me, I'm an American Citizen"

Babe, why don't ya go, why don't ya go somewhere (else)?

ATM: Reds

I picked this up from the library a few weeks ago and finally got around to watching it. Damn! Warren Beatty was good in this role.

For some real reviews, check out:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/reds/

ATM: Closing Escrow

This wasn't as funny as most mocumentaries but seeing it my wife, who's a realtor, made it a must see.

For a full reviews, check out:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10008652-closing_escrow/

GSOTD: Ambiguity Song

By CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

CHORUS:

Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
One day soon, it'll all settle down
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time

All across the nation, people are gettin' together
From many ideas they form a single goal
Some people are gonna benefit
And others gotta sacrifice
But everything seems to seems to be up in the air at this time

REPEAT CHORUS

I got some certain special feelings for you
I got some certain special feelings for you
I don't know if they're good or bad
But I just might give you a call
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time

REPEAT CHORUS

Ouch!!

JOTD: Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"

GSOTD: Wasted

By CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

I was so wasted
I was a surfer
I had a skateboard
I was so heavy and I lived on the strand
I was a dumb shit
And I was a fuck-up
I was so napped out I was out of my head
I was so wasted
I was a hippie
And I was a burn-out
I was so wasted I was out of my head
I was a punker
I had a mohawk
I was so gnarly and I drove my dad's car

JOTD: The Long Way Home

Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"

The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

Camper Van Cover Art

Camper Van Posters

GAOTW: Camper Van Beethoven

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Camper Van Beethoven is an American alternative rock group. Founded in 1983 in Redlands, California (though they soon moved to Santa Cruz, California), Camper Van Beethoven mixed elements of pop, ska, punk rock, folk, country, and acid rock. The group's trademark violin-coated melodies and ironic, Frank Zappa-influenced lyrics progressed from silly tunes to experimental music with the intricate, psychedelic pop meanderings of their self-titled third album.

After signing to Virgin Records in 1988 and releasing two eclectic yet slightly more accessible LPs, they disbanded in 1990. Singer David Lowery founded the band Cracker, while the other members - guitarists Greg Lisher and David Immerglück, bassist Victor Krummenacher and drummer Chris Pedersen - played in Monks of Doom. Immerglück later joined Counting Crows. Violinist Jonathan Segel played with Dieselhed, Sparklehorse, and fronted his own bands Hieronymus Firebrain and Jack & Jill, and has more recently been involved in experimental music, including collaborations with Fred Frith and Joelle Leandre, and a duo with Dina Emerson called Chaos Butterfly. Krummenacher and Segel collectively run their own record label, Magnetic.

After Camper Van Beethoven called it quits in 1990, singer/guitarist David Lowery along with guitarist Johnny Hickman and bassist Davey Faragher formed the band Cracker. Cracker's most successful album was Kerosene Hat, in which the song "Low" became an instant radio hit.

In 2000, ex-members regrouped to compile the experimental rarity set Camper Van Beethoven Is Dead. Long Live Camper Van Beethoven. In 2002, they released Tusk. Allegedly recorded in 1987, it had all the same tracks as the Fleetwood Mac album of the same name, and a parody of the original album's cover art. A series of reunion tour dates followed with many of the band's former members.

The group reformed in 2004 to record New Roman Times, their first studio album in 15 years. A live concert disc was also released entitled In The Mouth of the Crocodile, capturing a 2004 reunion performance in Seattle. Segments of a 2004 performance in Chicago were released the following year as Discotheque CVB: Live In Chicago.

Teenage Fanclub's cover of CVB's 1985 staple "Take the Skinheads Bowling" was used as the title track for the 2002 Michael Moore film Bowling for Columbine. A portion of the original Camper Van Beethoven recording can be heard as an introduction to the DVD release of the film. The song has also been covered by the Manic Street Preachers, and can be found on their B-sides album Lipstick Traces

Members of Camper Van Beethoven collaborated with Eugene Chadbourne on a number of records under the name Camper Van Chadbourne.

GSOTD: Brainiac's Daughter

By XTC

Brainiacs Daughter
Made me a suit of bricks and mortar
And a matching stove pipe hat, oh yes
Brainiacs Daughter
Took me on a sleigh ride underwater
And I'm crazy for girls like that
Oh yes Sir, yes Sir
Three bags full Sir

All across the land the bells ring out
It's night, sun shines bright
So I reach to hold her frozen hand in flight
As we alight in the bottle city of Kandor

Brainiacs Daughter
Talks like a Daily Planet Reporter
Sitting cross legged there on the mat, oh yes
Brainiacs Daughter
Swallowed the pocket watch I bought her
And I'm crazy for girls like that
Oh yes Sir, Yes Sir
All fall down Sir

And I love the lights that blink on and off
All around her head
And I love the clothes that she tries on and off
Landing on the bed
Yes Sir, Yes Sir
Three bags full Sir

GSOTD: Melt the Guns

By XTC

Programmes of violence,
As entertainment,
Brings the disease into your room.
We know the germ,
Which is man-made in metal,
Is really a key to your own tomb.

Prevention is better than cure,
Bad apples affecting the pure,
You'll gather your senses I'm sure
Then agree to,

Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more to fire them.

Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more desire them.

Children will want them,
Mothers supply them,
As long as your killers are heroes.
And all the media
Will fiddle while Rome burns,
Acting like modern-time Neros.

Prevention is better than cure,
Bad apples affecting the pure,
You'll gather your senses I'm sure
Then agree to,

Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more to fire them.

Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more desire them.

I'm speaking to the Justice League of America.
The U S of A,
Hey you,
Yes you in particular!
When it comes to the judgement day and you're standing at the gates with your weaponry,
You dead go down on one knee,
Clasp your hands in prayer and start quoting me,
'Cos we say...
Our father we've managed to contain the epidemic in one place, now,
Let's hope they shoot themselves instead of others,
Help to civilize the race now.
We've trapped the cause of the plague,
In the land of the free and the home of the brave.
If we listen quietly we can hear them shooting from grave to grave.
You ought to,

Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more to fire them.

Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more desire them.

GSOTD: Sgt. Rock (is going to help me)

By XTC

I'm enlisting, overseas aid
Need assisting, help with a maid
Get the expert, on mademoiselles
He could diffuse, any bombshell

If i could only be tough like him
Then i could win
My own, small, battle of the sexes

Sgt. rock is going to help me
Make the girl mine
Keep her stood in line
Sgt. rock is going to help me
Make the girl mine
Keep her stood in line
Make the girl mine, wave the victory sign

I'm invading, territories
Girls are foreign, and strange to me
Get the expert, at kissing and stuff
He stays easy, when things get rough

Sometimes relationships don't go as planned
Some girls, can make themselves so cold
A no-mans land.

JOTD: Three-Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

GSOTD: Paper & Iron

By XTC

Paper, iron, wont buy eden
Working for paper and for iron
Work for the right to keep my tie on
Working for paper and for iron
Work for the unicorn and lion

I pray the kids arent starving
No chicken for the sunday carving
Ill stay for one more farthing

I take home my notes and coins every week
Im told Im worth much more
But the church says turn the other cheek
The other cheek
Paper, iron, wont buy eden.

I know the family needs me
Cant moan, the factory feeds me
Wont bite the hand that bleeds me

I take home my notes and coins every week
Ill inherit the earth Im told
But the church says to remain this meek
Remain this meek
Im still a proud man.
Wont show anybody else my wage
A blend in the crowd man
Is this anybodys golden age
Is this anybodys golden age
Is this anybodys golden age
Or am I dreaming of a golden cage

La la lo its paper
La la lo its iron
La la lo just paper
La la lo just iron

R.E.M. Live

GREETINGS FROM REMHQ!

On October 16th, R.E.M. will release its first ever live CD/DVD in a career that has spanned 27 remarkable years. The dual package, titled R.E.M. Live , features 22 songs from the group's memorable performance at the Point Theatre in Dublin on February 27th, 2005. R.E.M. Live was filmed by acclaimed director Blue Leach (Depeche Mode, Snow Patrol) who accompanied R.E.M. on their 116-date tour into 33 countries in support of Around The Sun . Just two years earlier, Leach's deft camera work and artistic video mix during R.E.M.'s Manchester Move Festival performance made a strong impression on the band. Here, Leach skillfully brings together his signature techniques to capture R.E.M. doing what they do best at one of the most celebrated venues on their 2005 worldwide tour.

R.E.M. Live features songs spanning the band's many studio albums, including rare performances of "I Took Your Name" from 1994's Monster and "Ascent of Man" from the band's most recent studio album Around The Sun, as well as the singles �(Don't Go Back To) Rockville,� (featuring bassist Mike Mills on lead vocals) from 1984's Reckoning , "The Great Beyond" from the Man on the Moon soundtrack, "Imitation of Life" from 2001's Reveal , and the previously unreleased crowd-pleaser "I'm Gonna DJ."

R.E.M. Live is not to be confused with R.E.M.'s recent "non-shows" at the Olympia Theatre in Dublin (June 30th-July 5th 2007). The actual show with actual songs actually did happen in February 2005, and it is sheer coincidence that it took place in Dublin other than the fact that when R.E.M. is in Dublin, great things seem to happen.

TRACKLISTING

I Took Your Name
So Fast, So Numb
Boy In The Well
Cuyahoga
Everybody Hurts
Electron Blue
Bad Day
Ascent Of Man
Great Beyond
Leaving New York
Orange Crush
I Wanted To Be Wrong
Final Straw
Imitation Of Life
The One I Love
Walk Unafraid
Losing My Religion
What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
Drive
(Don't Go Back To) Rockville
I'm Gonna DJ [previously unreleased]
Man On The Moon

REMHQ.com

REMDUBLIN.com

Dumb JOTD: Pig in Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

GSOTD: Living Through Another Cuba

By XTC

Living through another cuba
Its 1961 again and we are piggy in the middle
While war is polishing his drum and peace plays second fiddle

Russia and america are at each others throats
But dont you cry
Just on your knees and pray, and while youre
Down there, kiss your arse goodbye

Were the bulldog on the fence
While others play their tennis overhead
Its hardly love all and somebody might
Wind up red or dead
Pour some oil on the water quick
It doesnt really matter where from
He love me, he loves me not
Hes pulling fins from an atom bomb

This phenomenon happens every 20 years or so
If theyre not careful your watch wont be the
Only thing with a radioactive glow
Ill stick my fingers in my ears
And hope they make it up before too late
If we get through this lot alright
Theyre due for replay, 1998

MP3 Shuffle - Morning Drive

Today's highlights:

* The Spiderbite Song - THE FLAMING LIPS
* Me, Myself & I - DE LA SOUL
* Stephen Hawking with a Prostitute - DAVID CROSS

ATM: Goodbye, Lenin!

This drug-on a bit towards the end but still a really good movie (Guntarski).

Maternal devotion and political upheaval in the face of Germany's reunification is foil for poignant humor in this sharply observed German export.

October, 1989, East Berlin. Christiane (Katrin Sass) is a devoted mom and a rabid socialist, equally passionate about both roles. Grown children Alex (Daniel Bruhl) and Ariane (Maria Simon) have been raised fatherless and with strict ideals of the East.

Leftist Christiane unexpectedly suffers a heart attack while witnessing a beating during a police riot, slipping into what seems like an irreversible coma. She sleeps through the climactic fall of the Berlin Wall, the relentless triumph of capitalism and the abrupt extinction of threatening German borders. Months later, Christiane awakens with a weak heart to a completely overhauled country.

The doctors assure Alex that even the slightest shock could kill his idealistic mother, so he does what he thinks is best: He creates an East Berlin universe within the walls of their apartment, shielding Christiane from the vagaries of the West.

Alex's cocoon-like time capsule resounds with echoes of yesterday -- a valentine to life past and a world devoid of external influence and luxurious excess. In his desire to complement his elaborate illusion, Alex goes so far as to have a friend tape faux newscasts, and stocks the apartment kitchen with East German delicacies, now nearly vanished from grocery store shelves.

"Lenin!" speaks to more than sleight-of-hand games and inevitable political change. Its social satire is tinged with affable humor and subtle sadnesses, even when the deception is too-lengthily drawn out. Alex's unflinching devotion to his mother and her ideals is a tender essay on commitment, a steadfast emotion based on sanctuary and security.

Lovely piano music underlies the personal and cultural alterations. Bruhl is alternately naive and touching as an engaging boy/man who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, eminently willing to do so in the name of love.

Rating: R for language and adult situations. In German with English subtitles. 1 hours, 58 minutes.

--Jeanne Aufmuth

http://paloaltoonline.com

GSOTD: Have You Seen Jackie?

By XTC

Have you seen Jackie?
He's a strange strange strange little girl
Make up on his face and his hair in curls
Have you seen Jackie?
She's a strange strange strange little boy
Her long black beard is her pride and joy

And all the children follow him around
And all the grownups try to drag her down
So we sing
Hey, leave Jackie alone
Hey, his pigeons have flown
Hey, she's never at home at all these days
Leave Jackie alone

Have you seen Jackie?
He's an odd odd odd little fish
To fly around is his only wish
Have you seen Jackie?
She's a queer queer queer little bird
Shy and quiet neither scene nor herd

And all the rats will follow him around
The dogs and cats will chase her from the town
And we sing
Hey, leave Jackie alone
Hey, his mind is all blown
Hey, she's not on the phone at all these days
Leave Jackie alone
Jackie couldn't decide if he was a girl
Or if she was a boy
Have you seen Jackie?

ATM: Pan's Labyrinth

I started watching this late last night, figuring I'd see half then and half today. That didn't take as I was so hooked by thie film, that it demanded to be seen in one viewing. (Guntarski)

SYNOPSIS: Towards the end of the bloody Spanish civil war, 10 year old Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) is sent to an isolated mansion with her heavily pregnant mother Carmen (Ariadne Gil). Lonely and intimidated by her new stepfather Vidal (Sergi Lopez), Ofelia discovers an overgrown labyrinth where she meets Pan (Doug Jones), an ancient satyr. Fascinated by fairy tales, Ofelia is captivated by Pan and his stories of the fairy world. However, when her mother falls ill, Ofelia makes a pact with Pan in order to save her. In exchange, Ofelia must undertake three challenges to prove her worth. These challenges take her on a journey to another world where she must use her wit and guile to overcome the creatures that lurk beneath.

Review by Andrew L. Urban: If light and the absence of light is cinema's original visual language, so contrast is the language of drama, where good v bad is the first duo, incorporating subordinates like love v hate, hate v love or pain v pleasure. Guillermo del Toro's amazing film concertinas these primal notions in a period setting during the brutal Civil War in Spain. Civil Wars are always rich for exploration, of course, unearthing the most depraved aspects of humanity alongside our most noble characteristics. Now there's a contrast, and del Toro makes the most of it as he juxtaposes Fascism with innocence. The former, he maintains, is what the latter destroys - if it can.

The film's extraordinary production design - it's haunting visual presence contrasting with its sometimes harrowing displays of violence - is one of its primary languages. It speaks of dangerous yet beautiful fantasy against deadly and ugly reality.

Cast to perfection with Sergi Lopez as the cold, cruel and inhumane Fascist officer Vidal, the film offers a sensory-rich experience on several levels. Both Maribel Verdú and Ariadne Gil shine as the adult women at the centre of the story and Ivana Baquero is wonderful as the young Ofelia, on whose shoulders most of the story hangs.

Exceptional effects are scattered through the film alongside the traditional cinematic mis en scene, and the tension never lets up. Pan's Labyrinth is a challenging, confronting and complex work that will haunt you for a very long time.

Review by Louise Keller: Fairytales are seeded in the darkest of forests, and Pan's Labyrinth emanates as one of the most enticing. Set after the Spanish Civil War on a backdrop of fascism, Guillermo del Toro's visceral film is an inspired contradiction of innocence and corruption. It's a harsh world in which an impressionable eleven year old and her pregnant mother find themselves, surrounded by conflict, violence and subservience. Fantasy is the pathway to salvation for the young Ofelia, with miniature winged fairies and a lofty, magical faun with massive curled horns, who entice her to visit the mysterious labyrinth at the bottom of the garden. Powerful images and themes disturb and stimulate as fantasy and reality come face to face.

There are three tasks that Ivana Baquero's Ofelia is asked to do by Pan, the imposing faun, in order for her to fulfill the prophecy and to prove she is not mortal. Baquero is wonderful. Her Ofelia behaves exactly as a little girl would in her situation, and the spark in her eyes makes us believe everything she sees. Like the sequence when she draws a door with the magic chalk leading her into a banquet room where the skeletal faceless Pale Man with eyeballs in the palms of his hands sits motionless. While the Pale Man would pass muster as the monster in any horror film, it is Sergi Lopez' callous, sadistic Captain Vidal, who makes our skin crawl. It's a shattering and terrifying performance by Lopez, who looks dangerous even when he shaves. Every movement he makes is as jagged as broken glass, this cold and heartless soldier whose only weakness is his pride. I gasped when Lopez has his face slashed by a knife, and the following sequence when he stitches it up himself, is the stuff nightmares are made of.

It's a heartbreaking tale of cruelty and hopelessness, softened only by the wondrous fantasy of Ofelia's imaginary world. Maribel Verdú's Mercedes and Ofelia strike an all-important bond as they share secrets and lies. The production design works beautifully as does the fabulously complex score which swells and falls with darkness and light. Del Toro's film is searing and haunting as it takes us from the bleak to the sublime.

http://www.urbancinefile.com.au

DOHERTY RESCUES CAR SMASH VICTIM

Troubled rocker PETE DOHERTY and his BABYSHAMBLES bandmates rescued a man from an overturned car after watching a motorway smash. Bandmembers leaped into action after watching the accident as they returned to London from the V Festival in Essex on Saturday (18Aug07). According to reports, they dragged the man from his car which was upside down and billowing with smoke. The un-named victim was later treated by paramedics for minor injuries.

DOHERTY ARRESTED FOR DRUG POSSESSION

Troubled British rocker PETE DOHERTY is in trouble with the law again - he's been arrested for drug possession. The singer was stopped by police in London in the early hours of Monday morning (20Aug07) after performing at the V Festivals in Essex and Staffordshire over the weekend (18-19Aug07). A police spokesman confirms, "A 28-year-old man was arrested in east London on suspicion of possession of drugs. He is in custody at an east London police station." The Babyshambles frontman was warned earlier this month (07Aug07) he faces a prison sentence if detained by police for any further drug offences, after a string of charges in recent months. The 28-year-old pleaded guilty to driving illegally while in possession of crack cocaine, heroin, ketamine and cannabis at a hearing in July (07). He briefly checked into rehab at the Detox 5 clinic in Harrogate, England, later that month for a GBP3,000 ($6,000) intensive five-day programme to kick his heroin addiction.

JOTD: Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

ANGRY DOHERTY HITS OUT AT WINEHOUSE'S CRITICS

Troubled musician and drug addict PETE DOHERTY has condemned commentators who have criticised AMY WINEHOUSE for her partying lifestyle. After her meteoric rise in the music world over the last year, Winehouse has cancelled all of her August (07) gigs to focus on "health issues" after collapsing following three days of hard partying. Speaking at England's V Festival on Saturday (18Aug07), Doherty said, "She has been having a hard time to the point where she has 10-year-old girls saying, 'Oh, what is it like smoking heroin?' It is so sick."

20/08/2007 16:50

http://www.contactmusic.com

JOTD: Surprise Package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

GSOTD: Life Begins at the Hop

By XTC

I have learnt there's a magical spot at the hop
Come with me to the church on the corner the hop
There's nuts and crisps and ccc cola on tap
A good time had by the boys and girls at the hop

Tell me what do you say
Tell me what do you say

Life begins at the hop, boys and girls

Prepare yourself for the boys in the band at the hop
The cheap guitars, too young for the bars at the hop
We'll jive around, make fools of ourselves then stop
Back next week with another ridiculous tie knot

Tell me what do you say
Tell me what do you say

Life begins at the hop, boys and girls

ATM: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Andy Richter may be the funniest man alive! (Guntarski)

Review by Rob Vaux

As you are no doubt aware, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby stars Will Ferrell, who many people consider tremendously funny. I find his humor more sporadic than hysterical, but he's hit the target enough times to give a movie like this at least modest potential. Thankfully, Talladega Nights fulfills it with admirable professionalism, delivering another idiot man-child for Ferrell to inhabit while broadly skewering the admittedly easy target of NASCAR culture. Its trump card, however, comes not just in the star, but in the very funny supporting cast chosen to back him up: people you've likely seen before but whose names don't register on the National Fame Barometer. Names like Gary Cole, Office Space's Boss from Hell, who rocks the house as Ferrell's shiftless dad. Or Jane Lynch -- last seen freaking out Steve Carell with details of her deflowering in The 40-Year-Old Virgin -- as Ferrell's cheerfully mordant mother. There's John C. Reilly slam-dunking another doofus best friend, Molly Shannon getting her groove on as an alcoholic trophy wife, and even Michael Clarke Duncan raising more than his share of unexpected snickers. That the film wastes the wonderful Amy Adams is less a case of ignoring her brilliance than simply lacking the time to let her strut. With such an army behind him, Ferrell need only find the right tone and step up to the plate. If he misses, they're still going to knock it out of the park.

And that's all that matters for movies like Talladega Nights. Are we laughing? Yes? Then throw away the checklist, because our money is officially well spent. Ferrell and director/co-writer Adam McKay find fertile ground in the Red State tackiness of professional racing, but like all good satirists, they temper their jabs with heartfelt affection. Their fulcrum is Ferrell's Ricky Bobby, stunningly dim king of the NASCAR circuit whose win-at-all-costs philosophy consumes every inch of his distressingly limited brain space. Like Anchorman's Ron Burgundy, he lives in a fantasyland of insecure male adolescence, complete with a toadying pal (Reilly) happy to always come in second and a bling-laden missus (Leslie Bibb, another standout) who seems cloned from Jessica Simpson's hair extensions. Trouble enters his paradise with the arrival of Jean Girard (Sacha Baron Cohen, another standout), who embodies the unholy trifecta reviled by all of Bobby's ilk: he's French, he's intellectual, and he's very very gay. Even worse, he's a better racer than Bobby, and a few easy humiliations soon reduce Ferrell's Champion Good Ole Boy to a blubbering wreck. It will take the love of a patient woman (Adams), a newfound sense of humility, and a few manly-man lessons involving blindfolds and cranky mountain lions to get him back into the winner's circle.

The faux machismo of Bobby's lifestyle makes a tasty satirical snack as Farrell and McKay again look to deflate the hubristic preening that passes for male emotional development in our society. Gauche materialism, xenophobia, and the "second place is the first loser" mentality of Ugly America take it on the chin as well, giving Talladega Nights a timely feel even as it apes Anchorman's winning formula. Obvious swipes are the order of the day, but McKay still knows how to invest them with insight and wit, and he never takes the buffoonery for granted. The second half runs low on gas, as the formulaic plot sputters a bit and the guffaws of the first hour slowly diminish to quieter chuckles, but even when it stumbles, someone amid the standout ensemble is always ready to pick up the slack.

And for all of its barbs, it retains a core of sweetness at its heart. Talladega Nights mocks NASCAR, to be sure, but it never shortchanges the excitement and atmosphere that have made the circuit such a phenomenon. McKay keeps the racing scenes pumped full of adrenaline, and though he spares nothing in assaulting the zeitgeist surrounding them, he never questions why people should love NASCAR, or devalues the immense skills displayed by Bobby's (hopefully brighter) real-world counterparts. Adam Sandler's films leave a bad taste in the mouth because they have fundamentally nasty souls -- an ugly, bullying mentality that displays open contempt for their chosen targets. Talladega Nights, on the other hand, loves what it ridicules, even at its most chiding. For all his stupidity and arrogance, and for all the appalling shortcomings of the bubble he inhabits, Ricky Bobby is basically a decent guy underneath. Talladega Nights always keeps that gentleness in mind, even as it refuses to let him off the hook for all of his dipshit idiocy. Its laughs are broad, but consistent, and its creators adore the subject enough to find all the proper tickle spots. Talladega Nights requires nothing more in order to cruise happily across the finish line.

Review published 08.04.2006.

http://www.flipsidemovies.com/

JOTD: Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

GSOTD: Love on a Farmboy's Wages

By XTC

High climbs the summer sun
High stands the corn
And tonight when my work is done
We will borrow your father's carriage
We will drink and prepare for marriage
Soon my darling, soon my darling

Chorus: Shilling for the fellow who brings the sheep in
Shilling for the fellow who milks the herd
Shilling for the fellow with a wife for keeping
How can we feed love on a farmboy's wages?

Deep under winter snow
Deep lay the lambs
And tonight by the full moon's glow
Flask of wine on my feather bedding
We will drink and prepare for wedding
Soon my darling, soon my darling

Chorus

People think that I'm no good
Painting pictures carving wood
be a rich man if I could
But the only job I do well is here on the farm
On the farm
And it's breaking my back

We will borrow your father's carriage
We will drink and prepare for marriage
Soon my darling, soon my darling

Chorus

GSOTD: King for a Day (Live)

By XTC

Everyone's creeping up to the money god,
putting tongues where they didn't ought to be.
On stepping stones of human hearts and souls,
Into the land of "nothing for free."

Well the way that we're living,
Is all take and no giving,
There's nothing to believe in,
The loudest mouth will hail the new found way,
to be king for a day.

Everyone's licking up to the new king pin,
Trying to get way up with a smile.
Sing for your supper boy and jump to a finger click,
Ain't my way of living in style.

'Cause the ladder gets longer,
And ambition gets stronger,
I can't satisfy the hunger,
That bad old moon has got you in its sway,
To be king for a day.

You're only here once so you got to get it right.
(No time to fuss and fight.)
'Cause life don't mean much if measured out with someone else's plight.
(In time you'll see the light.)

'Cause the way that we're living,
Is all take and no giving,
There's nothing to believe in,
The loudest mouth will hail the new found way,
to be king for a day.

JOTD: The Burned Ears

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

Men's Advice Column

Double-click on the image to enlarge

GSOTD: Human Alchemy

By XTC

An alchemy, human alchemy
We stole them from their freedom to be sold
To turn their skins of black into the skins
Of brightest gold
An alchemy, human alchemy

We stoked the fires of trade with human coals
And made our purses from the flailed skins of
Purest souls
An alchemy, human alchemy

Other lands became a larder full of all the good things
All we had to do was go and take
Blood the colour rain that grew our wicked harvest
Black the colour icing on our cake
An alchemy, human alchemy

We stole their babes and mothers, chiefs and braves
Although we held the whip, you knew we were
The real slaves
To alchemy, human alchemy

Alchemy, human alchemy

JOTD: The Man With No Voice

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman.

He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman.

Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money.

Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda wierd.

"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

GSOTD: All You Pretty Girls

By XTC

Do something for me, boys
If I should die at sea, boys
Write a little note, boys
Set it off afloat, saying

Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Village and city girls by the quayside
Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Watching and waiting by the sea

Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Quiet or witty girls by the quayside
Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Watching and waiting by the sea

I think about your pale arms waving
When I see the caps upon the green
And the rocking roller-coaster ocean
Think about you every night when I'm fathoms asleep
And in my dreams
We are rocking in a similar motion

I think about the salt sea rolling
Down in pearly tears upon your cheeks
Just like the day the harbour pulled away
I think about your warm white sheets unfolding
The more I have to drink
The more that I can think to say

Stupid JTOD: Make a Sentence

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''

ATM: Stranger Than Fiction

It took me two days to get through this film. It wasn't horrible but I could have used the time more effeciently.....like cleaning the toilet or something (Guntarski).

The Facts of Death

Stranger Than Fiction lacks both realism and imagination.

by Sean Burns

Finally, a Charlie Kaufman movie for people who are too stupid to understand Charlie Kaufman movies.

Proving once and for all the suits in Hollywood can co-opt and dumb down anything remotely resembling an original thought, director Marc Forster’s Stranger Than Fiction looks like the long-sought-after corrective to surprise hits like Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Boiling a lot of complex considerations down into basic banalities, this movie is Adaptation for imbeciles.

Will Ferrell stars as woebegone IRS auditor Harold Crick, a completely miserable shell of a man with no hopes or dreams of his own, trudging through his sorry day-to-day existence, until one morning he starts to hear an omniscient female voice (Emma Thompson) describing his every move in lugubrious, overwrought prose.

Indeed it turns out Harold is just another sad-sack character in the oeuvre of famed novelist Kay Eiffel (Thompson, duh), and he accidentally overhears she’s planning to kill him off sometime before the end of the next book.

As timing is everything in life (and death), Harold just happened to start auditing a hotsie anarchist bakery owner, played with no shortage of bad tattoos and irritating “spunk” by Maggie Gyllenhaal. For the first time in Crick’s wretched life, he’s finally falling in love—but that pesky narrator’s voice is hinting he won’t feel it for long.

A logistical and thematic disaster on so many levels it’s honestly tough to sit down and choose where to start, Stranger Than Fiction makes no sense—a complaint that probably wouldn’t register if the movie had been carried off with anything resembling wit, style, verve or excitement.

Zach Helm’s screenplay has been kicking around town for so long it’s gathered some sort of legendary status. But alas, Forster, one of the worst, most overwrought directors in cinema­—yes, the guy who made his career by shooting half of that inadvertently hilarious Monster’s Ball sex scene from inside an empty birdcage—has little understanding of how to make a moment work. He’s one of those kids who seems interested only in calling attention to his absurd directorial showmanship.

Stranger Than Fiction is so insanely stylized the entire production design is an art school project gone horribly awry. The design is sparse and empty—every set looks like Dave Bowman’s hotel room at the end of 2001. All the wrong colors, the movie is awash in pasty egg-whites, muddy burgundies and diarrhea browns—there won’t be a more aesthetically unpleasant picture this year.

Forster has directed his cast to behave like zombies. A concept this fundamentally silly should’ve flown by in a blink, but his actors shuffle through their endless scenes with a dour sense of purpose, reciting never-ending monologues in languorous, grating close-up monotones. (Even that sprightly rebel Dustin Hoffman speaks so slowly here, you wonder if he finally got that prescription for Thorazine he’s always so desperately needed.)

Ferrell gives one of those unfortunate performances in which you can watch a natural comedian strangling all of his instincts to play things as dull and straight as humanly possible. As Ferrell’s instincts are typically terrible, this should be cause for celebration. But alas, he’s also offering nothing else in return—the center of the film is an asphyxiated empty vessel. He’s not Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine, tamping the shtick down to a point where he’s able to show us emotions we never thought he had in him. Ferrell is Jim Carrey in The Majestic, tamping the shtick down until there’s nothing left.

Stranger Than Fiction pretends to go after all sorts of questions about artists’ dysfunctional relationships with their own creations. You initially assume it might tackle some of the more insidious, parasitic notions Adaptation exploded with such subversive wit and humor. Unfortunately the movie ends up as banal, sappy and simple-minded as any Adam Sandler vehicle—throwing out all the structural gambits and insisting in the end that we, the audience, sit down and enjoy eating sugar cookies once in a while.

Yes, it’s just another hypocritical greeting card, “Stop and smell the roses” sermon from Hollywood (opening the same day as A Good Year, no less). The arch direction and self-regard of Stranger Than Fiction feign at being something smarter and more interesting, and meanwhile the real brains will be busy across the cineplex hall, watching that naked wrestling scene from Borat, again.

Say what you will, that moment feels honest and earned in ways this picture can’t even imagine.

http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/

Baaaaad JODT: Ba Ba Black Sheep

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."