My Name Is Earl: Two Balls, Two Strikes: Little Chubby
Watch the full episode here.
Ye Gods, my cup of Earl runneth over. I'm as giddy as a virgin who just got asked to prom. This truly inspirational episode of MNIE gave Norm MacDonald a chance to shine (and boy howdy did he ever!), and it gave us some sorely missed Nadine Velazquez. Let's have at it!
The episode opens with Randy untying a tie and wrapping it around his forehead. His head doesn't seem to be bleeding, so this is curious activity even for Randy. Earl steps out of the bathroom, and is intrigued by the actions of our favorite sweet-but-meaty man-child (thank you, Nicole Moses). Earl needs that tie that Randy just untied, and he tells Randy, "Grandpa tied it five years ago and you know I don't know how to tie a tie." Randy explains that he just wanted to imitate a drunk guy at an eighties party. Earl nods in appreciation.
Catalina enters the motel room wearing a lime green bikini top, lime green hot pants, knee-high black leather boots, and a black veil. (Can I get a yowzuh?!) She is obviously in mourning.
Prepare yourself friends, Earl-ites, and countrymen. Pass the black armbands, break out the hankies, crack open a cold one and hoist it in reverence. Richard "Big" Chubby (aka Burt Reynolds) has gone to that Great Gentlemen's Club in the Sky.
Yes, that great and wonderful lover of the flesh-peddling arts, fast food, and dry cleaning tucked his last dollar into his last g-string. It seems that Big Chubby had a fatal fondness for firearms. One gun he kept loaded with bullets, and the other gun kept him loaded with vodka. One day he went to give himself a shot, and, well, you get the picture.
So Catalina (did I mention that she was wearing a lime green bikini top, lime green hot pants, and knee-high black leather boots?) wants Earl and Randy to finish getting ready to go to the funeral. Cue Lynyrd Skynyrd's I Ain't The One. She does not want to be the last dancer to Chubby's funeral as that individual gets the dubious honor of giving the dearly departed his last lap dance. Talk about a stiff customer.
Richard Chubby was not a well-liked man. Truth be told, he was widely hated. And feared. So much so that attendance at his funeral is mandatory for all Chubby employees. And no one is likely to leave the service early because the new boss of Chubby's is feared and hated even more than the old boss. Cue George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone. A white stretch limo pulls up, and out steps Little Chubby, played by Norm MacDonald (of Saturday Night Live, Family Guy and Roseanne fame). Let me just say that Mr. MacDonald did an absolutely outstanding job. He nailed the part. He was friggin' fantastic. The voice, the mannerisms, the smug little Burt Reynolds chortle, the gum chewing...all were spot on.
Anyway, enough with the man-crush. Back to recappin'.
Earl is none too happy to see Little Chubby, or L.C., as we like to call him. Earl and L.C. have a history, surprise surprise. It started years ago when L.C. messed with Randy doing the old "you have a spot on your shirt" gambit. And then Earl and L.C. were playing darts. When L.C. suggested that they get earrings and become earring buddies, Earl declined. So it only naturally followed that Earl unwillingly got his lobe pierced with a dart earring courtesy of L.C.
Even Darnell was not immune to Little Chubby's bullying. Darnell was enjoying some Fine Young Cannibals on the juke (She Drives Me Crazy), and L.C. decided he did not approve of Darnell's musical selection. So L.C. jammed a helmet on the head of an unsuspecting Crabshack patron (it might have been Slow Roger...anybody?) and rammed his head into the jukebox (a la Burt Reynolds in Hooper). But the topper was when L.C. messed with a pregnant Joy. After refusing to have sex with L.C. as only Joy can, L.C. cut off some of Randy's hair and gave Joy a choice; she could either drink Randy's rat-tail or have her own hair cut off. That hairy beverage didn't look too refreshing to me, but Joy downed it quick enough.
Back at their Champion double-wide, Joy demands that Earl defend her honor. So Earl does what any man in a similar situation would do. He confronts L.C., slaps him with a glove, and challenges him to a duel with pistols at dawn. No, not really. I made that part up. Earl disguises himself in a day-glo orange afro wig, overcoat and sunglasses, and storms into the Crabshack and kicks a three-pointer right between Little Chubby's uprights. Hence, # 43 - Racked a Rich Guy.
So now here it is, years later, Big Chubby has been planted, and Earl is looking to make amends to Little Chubby. Earl tracks him down at the strip joint, apologizes, and explains his list. L.C. tells Earl that he's harbored no ill will towards Earl, and that when he was cupping his nads on the floor of the Crabshack listening to everyone applaud, he realized that he was not a popular fellow. After catching his breath, L.C. tells Earl, he began to walk (a la Forrest Gump). He walked and walked and walked and somehow walked to the Outback in Australia. Helluva walk if you ask me. By this time, L.C.'s cajones had swelled to the size of a couple of chartreuse koalas, and the indigenous Aborigine people worshipped them as fleshy deities. L.C., meanwhile, had found his humanity - funny what a size 13 boot in the groinacological area will do for you - and had taken to feeding the Aborigines vegemite on wheat sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
Back at Chubby's, Earl and L.C. find they have something in common; they're both just trying to be better people. L.C. tells Earl that he's changed his mean and nasty ways, installed a heated stripper pole, providing Hepatitis C screening for all the dancers, and even put a light bulb in the VIP room. L.C. even laments that his father, mean SOB that he was, might've been a different man if someone had jacked his goonies. Big Chubby was so mean that he even threw Little Chubby's mother out of a moving car.
Earl and L.C. are GTG, and they hug it out. Hugging, L.C. tells Earl, is not just for gays anymore. And just like that, Little Chubby is crossed off Earl's list.
Randy meanwhile, after testing out the heated stripper pole, augments his income by picking up a few crinkled and sweaty dollar bills off of the stage from the appreciative Chubby's patrons. Wisely, he turns down one admirer's phone number while closing his shirt modestly.
Back at the Crabshack, Little Chubby is giving Randy a peace offering. Inside a colorful gift box is a brand new rat-tail. It reminded me of Young Anakin Skywalker's Padawan hair extension, but Randy liked it just fine.
So Little Chubby invites the gang over to his mansion for a day of camaraderie. Joy is wrapped in a big ol' fluffy white bathrobe on a chaise lounge, Randy is enjoying the trampoline, Catalina is tossing chips for the maid to sweep up, and Darnell is practicing his archery. He makes a bull's-eye, and a little Aborigine boy scampers out of nowhere, steals the arrow, and disappears just as quickly.
Earl and L.C. are relaxing with a cold beverage when L.C. sits back, opening up his robe just enough for Earl to observe L.C.'s "...freakishly damaged little chubbies..." And just like that, Little Chubby is back on the list.
Back at the Crabshack, the gang is discussing Little Chubby's "...crazy-lookin' gonad pouch..." Earl is using a mango for a visual aid, and says that L.C.'s scrote contains more colors than a box of Crayolas. Joy tells a story about a peculiar noise that L.C. makes every time he sits. Randy compares L.C.'s testicles to Grimace's McNuggets. Catalina (see? I told you she got some screen time this week) relates how she didn't even get "that look" from Little Chubby when she and Lacey kissed on-stage. Fear not, Catalina fans, Earl and Randy (and yours truly) proffered up the proper response to that little nugget.
Editor's Note - I would just like to express my heartfelt appreciation and admiration to the writers of this week's episode. It takes a special imagination to look at a mango and think gonad. My hat is off.
The boys locate Little Chubby, and Earl tells L.C. that he wants to make things (physiologically) right. L.C. stopped thinking his genitals were unusual years ago, that he doesn't even look at them anymore. Randy tells L.C. that his scrotal sack would make the folks at Technicolor proud as they are "...blorange and bleen and yurple and gred..."
L.C. tells the boys that he's never seen a doctor because of his father's advice. "Never trust a man that wants to put a finger in your butt." Wiser words were never spoken. But Earl convinces Little Chubby that the time has come, so it's off to see the doctor.
The urologist (played by Charlie Robinson, "Mac" from Night Court; also, he was in an episode of Yes, Dear with Greg Garcia, and he was recently a dentist on The Riches) tells L.C. that he has an Obdurate Testicular Hematoma. In other words, Earl "...took the jingle out of his bells..." Little Chubby's little chubby's are no longer making testosterone, and as a result, Little Chubby has lost his aggression and sexual desire. Earl says, "We gotta fix this right away."
So under the knife Little Chubby goes. He's plenty nervous, and he misses his mother. Earl agrees to hold his hand, stroke his hair, and sing to assuage Chubby's fears. Little Chubby's mom loved Skynyrd, so Earl sings (if you want to call it that) Free Bird.
Post-operation, and Little Chubby is recuperating in Earl and Randy's room at the Pines Motel. The doctor, it seems, was able to put Humpty and Dumpty back together again. Earl enters with a bit of bad news; the store was out of ice, so L.C. can have either frozen dinners or Popsicles. Since the photo of Mama Mia on the frozen dinners reminds L.C. of his grandmother, he opts for the Popsicles. Unfortunately, a major sneeze inflicts big-time pain on poor Chubby. Earl tells Randy to tell Catalina to get more towels. Randy has other plans. One look at L.C.'s busted stitches and he faints straightaway.
Time passes. Little Chubby has healed up, and he's back to running the family businesses. Mostly from the front row at Club Chubby. Catalina is performing (God bless a lax border patrol) on stage, and Little Chubby is appropriately appreciative. Little Chubby's sexual desire seems to be returning.
Later, Little Chubby is playing pool with Randy. Randy wins and taunts Little Chubby. L.C. ignites Randy's Padawan rat-tail. Luckily, Darnell is handy with the fire extinguisher. Little Chubby's aggression and meanness seem to be returning as well. Sounds like the operation was a success. Sort of.
Back at the mansion, Earl Jr. and Dodge are enjoying Little Chubby's pool. Little Chubby is not enjoying Earl Jr. and Dodge enjoying Little Chubby's pool, so he shoots the rubber raft out from under them. And for good measure, he even shoots Darnell's floaties. And to make matters worse, Little Chubby puts Mr. Turtle on the trampoline. Oh the humanity! Oh the horror!
The gang nominates Earl to kill Little Chubby. Earl decides to try talking to him instead. Wuss.
Earl talks to Little Chubby at Club Chubby, and after getting poked in the eye and watching L.C. trip a stripper (sounds like a fun game...Stripper Tripping! Fun for the Whole Family!), he tells Little Chubby that he's becoming mean again. Little Chubby contemplates Earl's words and busts a liquor bottle over Earl's head. Down goes Hickey! Down goes Hickey!
Earl wakes from a dream. A dream in which he got a liquor bottle busted over his head and got tied to a chain link fence. Only his dream wasn't a dream. He did get a liquor bottle busted over his head, and he is tied to a chain link fence. Oh, and by the way, there's an automatic baseball-pitching machine aimed at his crotch and a baseball bat-wielding Little Chubby walking toward him. This smells like seven shades of oh crap.
L.C. tells Earl that Payback is not only a movie starring Mel Gibson, but it's what Earl is about to get in 90 mile per hour doses. The pitching machine whirrs and Earl catches a heater to the sternum. That's gonna leave a mark.
Editor's Note - In the movie Payback, the character of Val Resnick was played by Gregg Henry, who is currently starring in The Riches, a recent episode of which Charlie Robinson appeared.
Little Chubby adjusts the pitching machine slightly downward. The machine whirrs, and Little Chubby sticks out the bat and fouls one off, momentarily protecting Earl's nether regions. Earl thinks fast. If he's going to talk his way out of this one he's going to have to do some fast talking. Chubby fouls off another fastball. Or maybe some fast singing...
Earl starts to sing Free Bird, reminding Little Chubby that, yes, while he is a mean SOB like his father, he also has some of his mother in him as well.
Earl's caterwauling (Sorry, I just can't in good conscience call it singing) does the trick. Little Chubby drops the bat and stands in front of Earl. The pitching machine whirrs, and Little Chubby takes a 90 mile per hour fastball right in the man marbles. Even in slo-mo, Chubby went down fast.
Next scene opens at Chubby's mansion, and Earl is pushing Little Chubby in a wheel chair. He should be walking in about a year. But at least he's the nice, likable Little Chubby again. He's throwing a big party for his friends, and he's even purchased health care for his employees. Catalina is enjoying the festivities. She's wearing a very flattering bikini and...um...
Sorry. I went away for a moment there, but I'm back now.
Earl's voiceover asks the question, "What would I sacrifice to be loved? Not my balls."
Methinks we'll find the surprising answer to that tantalizing question in the next few weeks as Earl goes back to school, gets a job (whuh-huh?), and Joy goes to trial.
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